THE THONG. This is what most of them feel like.
A wedge up the ARS, is fine. We ladies can live with that. But up the TACO? No thanks.
Can't anyone make a thong that has coverage in all the right places? Yes, yes, I know...Hanky Panky...but at 18 bucks a pop? For something that DOESN'T suck in, smooth, shape or lipo my trunk? At Body Gap today, I actually had this conversation with the sales lady. We actually compared the "floss" part of the thongs on all of the styles...all skinny, all wedgeful, all the way through the va jay jay (homage to Grey's Anatomy).

If I wanted that kind of pain, I'd just cover up with a piece of floss.

Out. Wow. Panty Rant. Now I've hit a new low.

WHY can't a girl get a piece of FRICKIN' candy corn a few days after Halloween?
Yes, I have an obsession. I was denied candy corn this year. And now I want some. No, scratch that. I want the candy pumpkins--known to OCD types like me everywhere as the Mellocreme Pumpkins.
I've searched 3 Rite-Aids and 4 Duane Reades, only to be shut out. The only thing they have are 1/2 off shelves of dusty witches, stale M&M peanuts and fugly baskets. Then I checked many bodegas. SURELY, on a dusty shelf somewhere, I can find a lone bag of candy corn, that's been left behind. Nope. Gone. All gone.

Now I'm left with only one option. Amazon.com. Yes, delivery. Of a bag of candy pumpkins that could be from the dreggs of candy society, the ANTI-Willy Wonka, the candy that didn't sell, the leftover bins of a warehouse left empty, but one box of candy corn. Stale? Perhaps. Dusty? Maybe. But that bag will be all mine.

I need serious help. Wait until you hear about the Bloomingdales Jean Scam.

Funny.

From the journal of photographer Andy Batt…
"Small beads of sweat, that knot in the gut, and occasional flashes of impending doom-photographer Andy Batt faced his most challenging assignment yet: a bus full of 3rd graders. Outnumbered and surrounded, he struggled valiantly with promises of cover shot fame. The 3rd graders, smelling weakness, went in for the kill. He woke up alone, lying on the ground covered in miniature footprints with camera in hand, and the cover shot glowing on the small screen. 'Andy' he said to himself, 'you may have lost the battle, but you've won the war.'"

Andy Batt is a Portland based nationally published photographer who loves what he does and loves where he lives. His work can be viewed at, andybatt.com